Awesome Obsession

Okay, so I know I’ve not posted in a while… but I wanted to compress certain predicted events all into on blog post which meant waiting .

So, to confirm, I’m now dating the guy. Though I asked him ’cause I got fed-up of waiting. LOL.

It is a bit worrying though to be honest because my friend told him and guaranteed that I’d say yeah but he was still too nervous. I hope he gains some confidence around me or things are going to progress very slowly.

It’s also hard to tell what he feels. When I asked him out he smiled and then said, ‘Yeah, whatever…’ and so I thought he didn’t want to for some reason and then I ask one of his best friends and he’s all like, ‘He was thrilled in the next lesson!’ So IDK. Figuring out what people feel is already a giant bitch for me and his reluctance to not show happiness is going to be hard .

Don’t get me wrong though, I’m glad I’m dating him .

Anyway, due to various reasons everyone in the entire school knows. So whenever I talk to him there’s a crowd of 5-17 people or so making comments :/… The sexual ones are extremely awkward too since we’ve not even held hands(yeeer sexual holding hands innit ;D ROFL!)…

I’m being serious though, I actually can’t be assed with having to make those stupid hints about sex and letting it happen naturally… I’ve done that like, 3 times or something now and it’s just awkward. …

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Okay, so not in a universal context.

Just for me.

.

But yeah .

Today was _extremely_ eventful. I might go as far to say it was the most eventful day in terms of significant social relational establishments(I honestly do not know if that is even proper sense… I quite literally just typed whatever the hell came into my mind there).

I’ve also noticed that me and interpreting things… the do NOT go.

So, it turns out, this guy, which doesn’t happen to be, ’said person’(read previous posts), likes me, and one of my best friends has known for around two weeks.

What’s weird is that I didn’t notice or suspect anything until lunch time today(well, break time) that this guy most likely likes me.

Again, I’m hesitant to go into too much detail because I still don’t know who reads this blog and who will read this blog in the future and I’m fed up of deleting loads of content whenever I give someone a link to a site I own :/.

But basically, I’m thinking that in the next week it’s going to be rather spontaneous… I’m not very sure right now what exactly is going to be happening, but I’m thinking some pretty big changes in my social life are going to occur… …

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Well, today I think I got my self in a fair bit of trouble.

There’s certain things I hate. Like, _really_ hate. Most people just say, ‘Aww… that’s tight’ and walk away, however, I, I get pissed off and have a giant rant.

Admittedly, I was the target- but my friends have been in the same situation and I’ve got pissed off at people doing it.

Anyway, what happened.

Well, I’m a person who a lot of the time sits alone. This is for various reasons, mainly that I just don’t enjoy eating with people and never really understood what was considered fun about it. Another is that I generally feel excluded when I do sit with people, but it mainly is because of the former.

Now, most people who sit on their own have such crappy self-esteem it impairs their capacity to make friends, or so the assumption is.

SO, you have complete dick heads taking their table(there’s tables of fours and tables of eights- people who want to sit on their own sit on a table of four) when they’re clearly not welcome.

This happened to my friend 2 years ago and I felt the urge to bash the guys head into the table, but I didn’t, instead I just swore at him and told him he was another derogatory term. I just think it’s pathetic people target those who clearly don’t have the confidence to stand up for them self for their own personal gain.

Anyway, so someone did that today with me and I basically had a giant rant to them and kicked them off(people perceive me as not a very violent person… in truth I just get violent over things most wouldn’t take so much offence over). I went on about how it’s pathetic that you perceive me as having a low self-esteem and ergo decide to be some sort of parasite off that and be abusive of it, how treating people you perceive as inferior to you by a messed up ranking system as utter crap can lead to them later killing them self and how he should be arrested for accessory to murder, etc. …

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So, it’s been a while since I posted another update. I don’t know when xD.

I’ve been pretty stressed this week because of revising and stuff- but it’s all cool now.

It started with me getting a D on my GCSE Biology Science module thingy test(it was a test test if that makes any sense ;D)- which is literally the first time the entire time I’ve been at High School that I’ve actually got below my expected target in Science o.o… The lowest I’ve got is my target(and I think that was only once).

BUT, this was because people were talking. IDK if you guys know this, but I find it almost impossible to simultaneously filter out background noise and read. Being deadly serious. When I’m reading at dinner I have to listen to music to filter out the background noise(people think this is counter-productive but I don’t see how listening to 200+ conversations at the same time is any easier).

THANK GOD FOR THE DRAFT FUNCTION IN WORDPRESS- I JUST SELECTED ALL AND THEN HIT BACKSPACE AND COULDN’T GET IT BACK .

But yeah, anyway . So I basically came home pretty depressed that I got such a crap score and was in need of major narcissist supply, ROFL! …

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Well, I’d say I’m glad that it’s the weekend but I guess the relief that week is over somewhat fades now that end is now half way over. If that makes any sense.

But yeah, I think I’m going to go running tomorrow again. Friday, Saturday and Tuesday can be the days I don’t go running. ^_^.

The good thing is the pain in my thighs have completely gone now I’ve gave them 2 days of no running. I hope this means I now have a higher tolerance for running, though every-thing’s relative(as HD would say), so I guess it’s another week of thigh pain XD.

My feet are still fucked up with blisters and crap but I’ve always found that just going with the whole, ‘life’s a bitch’ philosophy and leaving them tends to work and the problem solves it self(well, either that or I just leave it two weeks or something until the problem’s way out of hand and get it fixed).

I’m still feeling pretty optimistic about the whole running thing. It’s probably just a placebo, but I honestly think my school skirt feels looser than the start of this week(and yes, I know I used placebo in completely the wrong context in that sentence but that’s the only word I could think of).

Anyway, I’ve gone back to using Ubuntu again, after going back onto Mac OS X for 2 days after using Ubuntu for around a week. Ubuntu’s simply faster and a better OS to learn UNIX- well, overall there’s more stuff to learn and a lot of motivation(with Linux you don’t have a choice- you _have_ to learn if you want your computer to work, LOL).

Truthfully though, the only reason I actually booted back into Ubuntu, well, the primary reason(Mac OS X was being annoying but not that annoying) was because I couldn’t find an EXT4 driver to access my partition with the first season of Castle on.

Castle’s awesome. It’s a lot like BONES really, with a few tweaks. …

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So, it’s been almost a week since I started running in the morning.

Well, not really a week, quite a bit shorter, but I intend to only do it on weekdays, so it is sort of.

I’ve already noticed that my stamina has increased a lot. In the PE warm ups I’m no longer out of breath and such.

This is cool, but I think I’m really just at the point now of being just a bit below average(instead of pathetically below average).

I want to by Janurary(or whenever the hell we’re doing cross country) to be just a bit above average. IDK. I want to be in the middle rather than at the end(I’m usually in the last 5 xD- and this is in a race as such with like, half the year[there's like, 130 people in total in my year xD]).

I know I probably sound a bit too optimistic for the first week, but it’s crazy. At the start I could barely run a quarter of the lap in one go and now I’m running two laps in one go. Awesome or what?

I’ve also noticed I’m probably way too interested in sexuality. I’ve spent a lot of today reading about necrophilia. I also was up all last Sunday reading about Templar slaves(that’s _really_ interesting btw- the way in a primitive context we’re sort of attracted to everything…).

I don’t really consider it perverted because I don’t really care about the sexual acts as such, but at this point, I don’t really care what people think.

All my interests are pretty morbid anyway xD(psychological disorder[the more fucked up the better], cures for diseases, misanthropic literature[I'm quite literally trying to not fall on the floor laughing when I read that sort of stuff... I fucking love it...], etc.). …

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First of all, I’d just like to say that I vent on my blog my frustrations. You can choose to read these posts or simply ignore them.

IMO it’s better than ranting at some random person next to me :/.

Anyway, the past few months I’ve been thinking a lot about social hierarchies and people’s perceptions of others.

It’s sad, but at the same time, kind of… well, I don’t know really… I wouldn’t say funny… But I sometimes find my self smiling, while simultaneously condescending, when I think about it. Which I suppose is rather hypocritical to condescend over something on the basis that it condescends. But, meh, what can you do? Pretty much everything I say could be criticised and somehow void something I’ve said in the past or the past could void what I’ve said. Ultimately it’s unlikely and yeah… this is nothing to do with the topic so I shall shaz up .

But, yeah.

Every single group- small or large, has it. People just don’t like to admit it. I know for a fact, that I’m probably a soloist in all of this. I don’t really stick with one group of people, I alternate from sitting on my own at lunch, to sitting with one group for say a couple of days, then another, etc.(the same goes for who I hang out with)- since I don’t really enjoy hanging out with the same people every day because I have a tendency to cause conflict xD.

There’s probably only a few more soloists in my year… I’m going to say a maximum of 4. It’s probably not even that many though to be honest with you.

However, everyone else is in a group.

These groups can consist from two to as many as, say, 15- the absolute maximum(however, evidently, there’d be sub-groups there).

And the weird thing is- none of them really have a sense of their place. Or if they do, they’re very stupid at expressing. …

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So, first day back at school in a couple of weeks.

I must say the whole getting up at 5:30 in the morning isn’t as tiring as I apprehended.

Though my thighs really, really hurt.

And it’s only been two days xD.

I think I’ll take a break on Wednesday though.

Anyway, today I’ve been mildly(very mildly) been making a mental list of actions and such which attribute to a general perception of social inability and thus verbal abuse.

I’ve noticed that being unattractive in a conventional perspective(honestly, it’s way too complex to say what I find attractive, but it’s best summed as anything BUT conventional), or being willing to frequently socialise with people conventional unattractive(those of whom I’m just going to refer to as, ‘unattractive’ from here on), especially if they’re in your social circle, you’re chances of being labelled something that is often stigmatised against like, ‘nerd’ increase. Everyone already knew the former, but the latter of even hanging around with these people… heh. It answers a lot, like why popular people are incredibly reluctant to integrate with those who aren’t attractive conventionally- because you simply CAN’T be popular in doing so. Some people patronise these people but that’s different- that’s marking territory and eliminating any chance of them being in their social class.

Then there’s intelligence. Now don’t get me wrong, I know some people who honestly… aren’t that intelligent, who I’d classify as unpopular. But if you’re intelligent, you’re most likely socially inept(few aren’t, and they prioritise popularity over intelligence anyway). People don’t like intelligent people. It makes them feel dumb. Instead of admitting they don’t have a clue what they’re talking about they give them an alienating look.

Which brings me on to my observation. …

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So, it’s the end of half-term.

I seriously can’t articulate in words how much I freaking hate school. It’s beyond the English language’s abilities. It’s ineffable.

That’s how much it fucking sucks.

I’m an innocent bystander, yet in this country they punish you anyway by removing the basic rights of being able to stay in bed until you want to, choosing what job you want, hell, for 6 hours a day you can’t even say what you want. Yet allegedly this is a, ‘developed’ country. More like a devolved one.

You can all go on, ‘But we NEED education!’- no, we damn right bloody well do not need education. If we didn’t make it so all the jobs revolved around the assumption a load of letters on a piece of paper were actually reputable then no- we wouldn’t. But no, we have to go all formal and bureaucratic, don’t we? Here in England we’re far too above the other countries- no, you can’t just teach someone in one day how to flip burgers or mop a floor, you have to go through it for what… 12 years MINIMUM. A long with a load of other irrelevant bullshit. To get a loan and own a computer shop… hmm… do I need History for that? No. Do I need French for that? No. Do I need some fancy English rubbish? No. Do I need Mathematics? No. Do I need ICT? No- there’s this thing called, ‘learning in a GENUINE educational environment’(a.k.a anything but a room full of judgemental teenagers which are mixed ability).

Okay, so MAYBE the basics like arithmetic and literacy for 3 years.

But after that?

Fuck no. …

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This is something I sort of hate about my self but is the truth.
It only really hit me that what me and my ex-boyfriend had wouldn’t be coming back. Which is really depressing.
But I’m more upset about the BONES and House break :/.
These are just one of those things that piss me off.
I should care more about the fact that a relationship is over(it has been for like a month now for those uninformed) than a 2 week BONES and House break.
But I’m more absorbed in them than the relationship(I guess the non-relationship now).
In this Bebo thing it said, When are you happiest? and I put, ‘Watching BONES’ and then I saw what Josh put and he said talking to me/Emor and I was like, ‘Oh crap!’ and changed it quickly to, ‘Watching BONES and talking to Josh’(because it’s pure blasphemy to put anything else).
I miss Josh. …

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